But does it bring you joy?
I have finally reached the age where cancelling plans feels so good. Scrap that. It feels incredible — like an instant wave of relief washing over you. When you have very limited time off, you find yourself grasping for little pockets of time that you can take back. Even just an hour here and there makes a huge difference for your well-being. Turns out that taking care of yourself is important. Whoops!
I was crazy enough leading up to the wedding with everything going on, but I found myself in an equally busy situation shortly after returning from the honeymoon. I was running on fumes for probably about 9 months, working full-time plus and gigging two days a week (sometimes more), plus other various things. If anyone attempted to mess with my one day off my claws would come out and a very ugly side of me would surface. I was a very grumpy human being, just ask Will.
The money was nice, but woof.....I was stressed, irritable, and not giving myself the kind of self-care I really needed. I also used the stress as an excuse not to exercise from time to time. Worst of all, I let this stress affect my one day off and any other off time I had. I couldn't seem to disconnect and just relax. To top it off, I couldn't seem to get any sleep, ever, no matter how early I went to bed. Rinse and repeat for 9 months. I couldn't take it anymore, and poor Will probably couldn't either. I had to start taking back control of things where I could in order to improve the situation.
Step one was to stop letting work spill into my lunch hour and commit to working out during that time. I now have a yoga mat in my office, I bring my gym bag every day, and if I don't feel like doing yoga, lifting at the local gym or running, I just go for a walk.
Step two was to figure out how to cancel some plans in order to have more time off. It was time to say goodbye to one of my outside gigs. Now that that's done and dusted I can actually cook a healthy meal that night and hang out with Will and the pugs. If you've never experienced the snuggle fest that is couch time with pugs, you need to remedy that ASAP. It's the best. Go get a pug, or several, right now. DO IT!
Side note: You know those plans you politely make with people even though those people are actually toxic to be around? Make yourself more of a priority and DON'T DO THAT! If they zap all your happy and/or have an overwhelmingly negative aura about them, don't be around them anymore than you have to. Especially don't volunteer for that crap, for the love of God...It took me forever to figure that out.
Step three was to de-clutter, which I'm still in the process of doing. Even though it's a work in progress, getting the house in order and getting rid of stuff we don't use or need has actually been quite a relief. Plus, then I get to donate the stuff to my good friends at Friends of Animal Rescue. It's also an excuse to visit with them and the animals, which makes me happy. :)
Step four was to actually do the opposite and make some plans. I know, I know...totally contradicting myself here, but hear me out. Because I was "so busy," I wasn't taking the time to stay connected with the important people in my life. It's so easy to get wrapped up in what you're doing that you lose sight of the important things. So whether staying connected is a text, a phone call, happy hour, a meal, an activity or whatever...I need more of that in my life with my favorite people. It's good for my soul.
Plus, I've found that I can catch up with someone on the phone while I walk on my lunch break. Multi-tasking + Decompressing = Winning
Also, as much as I love it down here at the bottom of the world, I miss my Ohio people. So there's that...
I guess in "canceling plans" I ended up making other plans (and continue to do so), but the right ones — not the ones that you somehow feel obligated to participate in for no good reason. Stuff will always come up, but I feel like I've got a better handle on what my needs are and how to balance that with everything else going on.
I consider this sort of a spring cleaning for my soul. I've never watched the show, but Marie Kondo's catch phrase is really resonating with me right now: "Does it bring you joy? If not, get rid of it!" Preach, girl. Preach.
I keep telling myself I'm going to take time to write, but this is apparently a lie I've been telling myself over and over again. I went from once a week, to once a month, to quarterly, and this will be one of only three posts I've written this year (and it's almost December — oy vey...).
I had gotten into a pretty good groove for awhile — my "mojo was workin'" and work/life balance was solid. I was exercising regularly, cleaning often, and cooking a lot. I was learning new songs here and then to beef up my gigging repertoire. And most importantly, I was taking the time to take care of myself and enjoy where I live. Then there was the wedding, which ate up a lot of my time. It was a beautiful wedding and everything was even more amazing than we had even planned or imagined, but the stress leading up....oh girl...Anyhow, it's been almost 5 months since Will and I tied the knot, so why do I still feel like I'm so freakin' busy all the time and never have time for anything?
Well, the reason I keep telling myself is that I honestly just don't have the time. To be fair, I am a pretty busy lady these days. I work full-time (sometimes overtime), I gig at least twice a week (sometimes I fill in for other people), and there's just a lot going on right now in general. But despite all that, I shouldn't be completely ignoring what I need, which is all the stuff I mentioned before.
On a good week I'll exercise 2-3 times, but it's rarely a "good week" and I really should be exercising more like 4-5 times a week anyway. I'll cook a few meals, but then I'll come home after a particularly frustrating day and just say "screw it." I have this running list of songs that I've been wanting to learn and I just keep putting it off, so consequently I'm getting bored with my repertoire. And granted, it's been uncharacteristically cold for my little island lately, but I can't remember the last time I ran on the beach or enjoyed the pool that's literally right outside my back door. I've become lame and old, and I keep making excuses not to do the things I know for a fact will make me feel better. My mojo needs a kick in the butt...
Part of my problem is relinquishing control...My husband is not a "domestic," per se, but he's always willing to help out around the house — he just needs a list of what needs done. "Honey dos," if you will. But for a long time he was way busier than me, so I was the one cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. Plus, I'm fairly OCD when it comes to things like that, so I want them done a certain way and at a certain time. It's not uncommon for me to rip around the house like a tornado of cleaning psychosis, which scares the sh*t out of Will. He always tries to get me to calm down and I'm all like, "CAN'T STOP!!! MUST CLEAN FAST AND MUST CLEAN NOW!!!" Now I'm the busier one and things have shifted. Not that he's not busy — don't get me wrong. Fall is incredibly busy for him because it's marching season, but that's over now and he's all like, "Hey...ummmm...I can help if you'll just let me..."
I hate to admit it, but it's hard for me to let those things go, even though I know I would have more free time if I just let him do it. I think that makes me a little crazy...I mean, I'm going to let it go, your know, for sanity reasons and stuff...but it's still hard. I've always been so domestic and now I barely have time for those things — it's really weird. He did the grocery shopping for the first time this week (and again, not for lack of trying, I just never let him do it until now...because I'm that OCD), and I caught myself "checking his work" and seeing if he got what we needed. He did — I'm just crazy and controlling, apparently. I felt so bad when I realized what I was doing. He's such a good boy!!!
As far as work, I just need to take more ownership of my time instead of letting others pull me into stuff that's really not my problem. Not that I don't want to be a team player, but there's a difference between me helping someone out and me doing their job for them. I need to take back my lunch hour and squeeze in mid-day workouts like I used to. That way if I am exhausted by the time the day is over, I can go home and relax instead of feeling guilty that I didn't work out.
There's also been a lot of sadness lately. Two people who have been incredibly important in my life have passed away and I'm having trouble processing it. I've been insanely lucky not having to really deal with death up until now. I'm 30 years old and I just now am experiencing it in a real way. You're never really ready, are you? This has created a dark cloud that looms over everything I do, which makes me want to curl up in a ball with a glass of anything alcoholic and just shut out everything else. I've never been like that, so it's a weird feeling. I guess it's part of the grieving process...figuring out how to deal with your shi*t and ultimately letting go of the things you can't control.
So I guess the bottom line is that I need to let go of some things, especially the things I can't control, but also the little things that others are willing to help me with if I'll just let them. And I need to cook more, learn new music, and write more, because it makes me happy dammit! Time for [Jamie] to get her groove back! Plus, I'm a good cook — Will is a very lucky man. I'm pretty lucky too...he's really one of the only reasons I haven't completely lost my mind. I'm really glad I have him to adult with.
According to "The Knot," Will and I will be "tying the knot" in 50 days! See what I did there? I'm rusty — don't judge me.
About two months ago I got what they call "wedding brain" or "bride brain." If you haven't heard of it, it's a very real thing and it's EXHAUSTING. I can't seem to get enough sleep, and even if I do get a decent night's sleep it's filled with dreams about wedding stuff. Someone flipped the switch on my brain and turned it onto a channel where they play wedding crap 24/17. It. Never. Stops. I have multiple spreadsheets. Yes, multiple. Checklists, timelines, addresses, you name it. I have gone insane.
Granted, people ask me about the wedding and how the wedding planning is going all the time, but I've started to notice that I am able to turn any conversation into something to do with the wedding. I don't mean to, but I do. Somehow small talk with my friends, co-workers, bartenders, mail men, homeless men, etc. becomes about the wedding. "I don't have any cash on me. And even if I did, I still have a million decorations, accessories and gifts to buy for the wedding. Sorry homie!" You get the idea.
Poor Will gets it the worst though. I'm so focused on everything that needs to be done that I can't seem to focus on much of anything else. It's a constant barrage of, "What song are you and your mom dancing to at the wedding? Why haven't these people RSVP'd? What gifts are you going to get for the groomsmen? Should we just do beer and wine or should we also have a cash bar for liquor? Do you think we need an aisle runner? WHY HAVEN'T THESE PEOPLE RSVP'D???!!!" Ugh.
There was a big blowup in the family where it became very apparent that we were all stressed and hadn't been communicating very well, which manifested in an ugly way. Fortunately we were able to move on pretty quickly and open up the lines of communication. So after moving on from that, and spending a whirlwind weekend in Ohio for dress fittings, a wedding shower, venue visits to ask questions, etc., I feel like things are starting to fall into place. Sure there are still several little details to nail down, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I still have wedding brain, but now I'm getting really excited. In 50 days I get to marry my best friend and the love of my life. That's pretty freakin' awesome. There will still be stressful days, but in the end all that matters is me and Will, the next chapter in our adventure together, and celebrating it with the people we love. And for those extra stressful days there's always whiskey.
Reclaiming my work/life balance
Sometimes achieving a healthy work/life balance seems impossible when there are SO many things that just "have to be done." But lately I've been taking a step back and asking myself, "does that particular thing really need done or have I imposed this task or responsibility on myself? And if it does in fact need to be done, does it need done right this minute? Probably not.
Between planning a wedding, work, music gigs, taking care of the pugs, maintaining a household, trying to spend some legit time with my fiancé, trying to have some semblance of a social life, keeping up with friends/family back home, and desperately trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle.......it can get a little overwhelming.
All of those things are important, but some are certainly more important than others. Where I lose sight of what’s most important is when I try to make everyone happy, which is dumb, because that’s impossible (and I know that). Regardless, I still try to do it anyway. And the older I get the more I realize that not everyone that I try to make happy cares about my happiness, so why do I stress myself out? The really sneaky ones are the people who disguise their own agenda as caring for your happiness -- trying to tell you how you feel, what you want, and what you should do. I don’t know about you, but I don’t need that in my life – that’s absolute B.S. Don’t try to bring people down to your level – we’re supposed to lift each other up, not drag people down just because you want company in your misery. Get out of here with your bad juju – ain’t nobody want that.
On top of all of that, we are constantly connected to our stressors through those magic little boxes – smart phones. Don’t get me wrong, I love my smart phone, but sometimes I truly hate how accessible it makes me. When I go on walks with the pugs I purposefully leave my phone at home just to catch a break. Plus, I generally am wearing clothing without pockets anyway, and pugs (or at least my pugs) cannot be trusted. One glance at a phone and Mozzie may decide it’s time to cross the street, or Phoebe may try to eat an unsuspecting bicyclist. Those pugs are shady.......Our walks are generally 30-45 minutes, and the reality is that 99.9% of the time that call, text, or email is not that important, or it can certainly wait. I think I'm going to start leaving my phone in the other room sometimes too, because every time I hear a "bing" (or whatever noise my phone makes) there's a part of me that automatically stresses.
I have definitely hit a wall lately, which has made me re-evaluate my priorities and where/what my time is spent on. All I really want to do is spend time with the people (and pugs) I care about, play music, focus on my healthy goals, try new recipes, enjoy the island, and get ready for the day when I get to marry the love of my life. As long as I can pay the bills and do those things, I'm good.
So if you ever reach out to me, be it a phone call, text, email, Facebook message, whatever..............and I don't get back to you right away, don't take it personally. Sometimes I need a break, and ultimately I like living my life more than I like being attached to my phone. I've decided to reclaim my work life balance. After all, it is a new year -- I think it's time. Onward!
Bad days? Screw em'.
DISCLAIMER: I started this blog post back in September (hence the date) and then life got in the way. You know how it goes. Someday I'll regularly post blogs again......someday..........
You know the mantra that's been going around -- no bad days? I love it, I really do, and I have desperately been trying to keep it in the forefront of my mind. I have so much to be thankful for -- life is good, right? But honestly, it's not that simple. Sometimes all the positive thoughts and vibes you can muster are just not enough. So unfortunately there are bad days. It sucks, but it's true.
Life has done a pretty good job at throwing me the usual curveballs -- especially the ones that involve unexpected costs. Those are my favorite (*insert sarcasm*). Good job life. I didn't need that money for anything else. You take it -- it's cool. I've got one of those super awesome money trees -- it's GREAT! I digress..........
So on top of those things life also decided to throw some "fun" little extras on top of the wood pile, douse it with lighter fluid, then light the f-er on fire. En fuego. So there have indeed been some bad days. Here are just a few examples:
1) I love my dogs way too much. Both of them have had eye problems in the past two months that have had the potential to damage their vision permanently. Mozzie was first. And was I level headed when I found out this news? Absolutely not. Well, I was until I left the vet and got into the car, but then my eyes sprung a leak and didn't stop for an obscene amount of time. After Mozzie's first appointment I sat at home, staring at him and crying for like an hour. He had NO idea what was going on or what was wrong with me. Same thing happened with Phoebe weeks later, but hers actually got worse when she had a bad reaction to the recommended eye drops. Overnight she looked like she had gone blind. She got better, but then she had another flare up and it's just been a little scary. You would think these dogs came from my womb the way that I act -- I clearly have issues.
2) There are several important people in my life that are all dealing with situations that make my dogs' eye problems look like a freakin' paper cut. They are not my stories to share, so I won't. I just love them so much and I wish I could do more. I wish I could make it all go away -- wave a magic wand and poof, make everything better. But these hands are exactly that -- hands, not wands. I wish I had freakin' wands for hands. Well, maybe not all the time........that would make several things difficult.......but you know what I mean.
3) To top it off, I apparently have the blood pressure of a 65 year old black man who’s been smoking his whole life. I was hanging out at the gynecologist, like you do -- wearing one of those OH so wonderful paper gowns -- waiting for the doctor to do a normal annual exam. The nurse comes in to tell me that my blood pressure is scary high and that they were thinking about sending me to the hospital instead of going ahead with the appointment. I felt fine, but apparently it was really bad. They agreed to go ahead with the appointment on one condition: that I get medicine called in, pick it up and go home immediately following my appointment. They also mentioned something about sitting in a dark room with no noise........So that’s fun. Yet another reminder that I need to get serious about losing the rest of the weight and make smarter choices.
Life has a weird way of trying to remind you what your priorities should be. Lately I've been distracted by things that are SO not important, so I did indeed need a reminder, but leave my people and my pugs alone -- please and thank you.
Anyway, the moral of the story is that I need to stop focusing on stupid stuff, enjoy the wonderful things and people (and pugs) in my life, and kick my butt into high gear as far as health so my heart doesn’t explode. Solid advice. Things happen that are out of our control -- and they suck -- but it's certainly easier to weather those things if we focus on what we can control and what is important in life. So there are bad days.......feh..........screw em'. Maybe that should be the mantra........"Bad days. Screw em'."
The last year of my 20s
So I'm 29 now. I live on an island, I'm engaged, I have two goofy pugs, and get to play music while looking out at the ocean. If you had told me at the beginning of my 20s that this is where I'd be at the end of my 20s, I would have laughed at you and patted you on the head. I guess it just goes to show that you never know where life may take you. I mean, I'm MORE than cool with it, but it's still surreal to me.
Does being in the last year of my 20s make me more of an adult? Or an "adultier" adult? I feel different, yet I don't. Should I? I don't feel old at all, but I'm very aware of the fact that I am no longer 23 -- that's for sure. Hangovers last longer, too much sodium makes me look like I've been punched in both eyes and adds about 5 pounds of water weight, and I've noticed the slightest little lines starting to appear around my eyes. (*sigh*) On the flip side, I still get carded at most bars, I'm at a much healthier weight now than I was for the middle part of my 20s, and I know that those fine lines around my eyes are both from age and laughter.
I came across an interesting quote the other day. It wasn't attributed to anyone in particular, but really spoke to me. "Nothing will ruin your twenties more than thinking you should have your life together already." I definitely spent several years thinking I should have my life completely together by now, and I now know that societal pressure (some of it self-imposed) was a big contributor to my weight gain in my mid 20s. I'm still working on it -- even now -- but I wish I had learned to love myself more earlier on. What's the point of beating yourself up about things that are beyond your control? There is none, but at the time I thought I had more control over certain aspects of my life......or at least I thought I was supposed to have more control. Silly Jamie.....
So even though there's a part of me that is admittedly scared of getting older, there's part of me that's actually looking forward to leaving my 20s. Not that other decades can't be difficult, but your 20s are basically where you learn how to survive and try to find yourself. Those are incredibly difficult things to learn, especially when you've been considered a kid for so long and then POOF.......good luck a-hole! I've survived and I really do believe that I've finally found myself.........and now I live on an island. So yeah........turns out that getting older is not so bad after all. Bring it on 29.
The entire reason I started this blog -- which for better or worse has become a thing I do just whenever I feel like it -- was because of the concept of "adulting" and how I "adult." As I approach my 30s this concept becomes even more convoluted to me. I'm starting to think that "adulting" is just something you make up as you go -- that we never truly figure it out. There are many moments where I have no idea what I'm doing. I act like I do, but really I'm just quick on my feet and know how to google things. Much of my adulthood has been spent learning how to do things on the fly and hoping for the best.
I've been an adult for awhile now, so now that I'm approaching 30 I'm starting to get really annoyed with one question in particular, which is always asked by "adultier" adults (aka older). "So what's next for you?" Well, I just figured this part out, so why don't we see how this goes for awhile......mmm'kay?
What's next??? That's something you ask someone about to graduate high school or college. When you're about to graduate high school you have this "plan," which makes the universe laugh at you and go, "okay, ha (*pats your head*), no," but nonetheless you have a plan. It makes you feel better about your life, albeit temporary. When you're about to graduate college, you mostly just want to be done with classes and have no idea what you're really going to do. Again, you may have a plan, but this time you have to rely on other people to hire you so you can make enough money to pay off that expensive school you just went to. Despite all of that, at those phases in your life you generally have some sort of plan or idea of what you want to do.
My experience is that once you actually get out there in the real world there is no such thing as a plan. You have to roll with the punches and figure out how to be scrappy, otherwise you will drown. You'll drown in debt, lack of self-worth, and lack 0f self-realization, among other things. Apparently your 20s are where you are supposed to figure out how to keep your head above water, and learn how to act your butt off in order to deal with the political BS and the crazy personalities that will inevitably flood your life.
The silver lining is that you do learn. Sure, I still have to make things up as I go on occasion, and I may not know "what's next," but I've learned that life is not nearly as complicated as we try to make it. I've learned that career and money aren't everything -- that people and the simple things in life are what are truly worth living for. I've learned that you shouldn't let what other people think define any part of your life, and if you live your life to please others they will suck you dry -- so don't.
There is no dummies guide for how to be an adult, and no one can tell you the "secret" to being happy and fulfilled in life -- because there isn't one. You have to figure it out for yourself and find a way to filter out the noise. One of the most important things that I've learned is that what happiness and fulfillment looks like for you is not necessarily what it looks like for me -- there is no "one size fits all." I've learned that yoga, long walks on a beautiful day, sunshine, the coastal breeze, a clean house, clean sheets, playing piano and singing, learning new music, potatoes, cupcakes, coffee, Jameson, good wine, good conversation, pugs (especially Mozzie) and Will make me very happy.
It's okay to make plans, and you probably should to a certain extent, but as we all know....things generally don't always go according to plan. It's also okay if you don't know exactly what you're doing all the time or what's next -- you'll figure it out. The bottom line is that you will never stop learning and you will never know all the answers. Sure, things like google can help from time to time, but you won't always find the content you're looking for. Turns out that "adulting" is just living life the best way that you can.
Just a girl and her pug
This snorty little shadow of a creature came into my life last May, and has completely stolen my heart. I know it's not the same as having a child, so I won't even try to compare it to that. But if the love you feel for a child is much more intense than what I feel for Mozzie, my heart just may explode. Don't get me wrong, there are days where Mozzie drives me crazy, but it's hard to be angry about anything when you come home to a snorty little fur ball that is so freaking happy to see you he can't stand it.
I was talking to a co-worker earlier this week and she said something I had never heard before. "Dogs make you a better person. They bring out the best in you." That comment was really interesting to me, not only because I had never thought about that before, but because I think she's onto something.
Will and I have become more patient people since Mozzie came into our lives. We've had to practice patience with him as he's gone through his varying stages of puppy-hood. Dogs also have a way of reminding you about what's more important in life -- it's really quite beautiful. Sometimes those wordless, simple gestures from them communicate more effectively than the most eloquent humans. Something as simple as a "dog hug" -- the way they lean up against you -- can communicate love.
There have also been studies that link dogs to lowering a person's blood pressure. I can't speak for Will, but mine is definitely more under control now. Granted, that can also be attributed to lifestyle changes such as altering salt and caffeine intake, but still. Sometimes when I start to get stressed out about various things, Mozzie cuddling up beside me on the couch is the best remedy to make me calm down. Or going on a walk when it's windy, and I'm thinking through everything I need to get done that day, but the sight of Mozzie chasing the leaves that are blowing by is so freaking cute and funny that my stress just melts away.
Everyone has their own bias, but personally I think pugs are one of the best breeds out there. Now, you have to be prepared to care for them properly, because they can (and often do) have special needs. Mozzie had to have a nose job when he was younger just so he could breathe better. Yes. A nose job. Apparently his nasal passages -- which pugs already have small and squished ones to begin with -- were even smaller than normal. They have delicate eyes because of how they tend to bug out a bit, so they can get dried out and need treated. And they shed constantly -- I mean CONSTANTLY. There is no off season. My swiffer duster thingy gets a serious workout.
BUT.......here is why I think they're the best:
5) They are the "clowns of the canine world." They have the funniest little personalities and are seriously goofy dogs. They are often referred to as "a lot of dog in a little space." They are constant entertainment.
4) They are super loyal, to a fault. They will even insist on accompanying you to the bathroom. You are not allowed to pee without a pug. They are furry little shadows that will follow you wherever you go -- especially if you have food.
3) Ever considered getting one of those cute little teacup pigs for a pet? Well a pug is a pig and dog in one. We often refer to Mozzie as pig-pug. I cannot tell you the amount of times where he has trotted through the house with his own little soundtrack -- a snort with every step. It's freakin' adorable.
2) I know I said I wouldn't compare him to a child, but pugs really are like little kids, at least in the way they behave. So if you're looking for a child, but not in the traditional sense, a pug is a good way to go. He wants everyone to be in the same room at all times. If you aren't, he will position himself in the middle of wherever you both may be, and pout until you "remedy the situation." He demands attention. If he's decided that I'm paying more attention to my computer or my phone, he'll wiggle his little body in between me and whatever I'm "distracted by." Sometimes he will even bark at me until I put my phone down. Demanding little fur baby...........
1) They have an enormous amount of love to give. Their little bodies can hardly contain the amount of love they will give to you -- it's impressive. If we've been gone for several hours, Mozzie can't control his little body when we come through the door. He loses his ever-loving mind. Then once he's settled a bit he has to be on you, wherever that may be. Sometimes after he eats his food, he comes over and starts licking me -- it's almost as if he's thanking me for the food.
So maybe that goofy little dog has made us better people. Regardless, we love him with all our hearts. And right around Will's birthday we will officially be adopting a 2-year-old female pug from Houston -- Phoebe. Mozzie will finally have a buddy. Having two pugs is going to be ridiculous, funny as hell, and so much cuteness and love that my heart just may explode. We can't wait.
Oh hey guys. It's been awhile. How've you been???
My creative efforts have been focused on other things lately, so that's why I've been MIA. Plus, no one pays me to write my blog, so there's that.......
Lately I have found myself going back and forth between moments of what seems like total clarity and peace, and stress and uncertainty. The clarity and peace are fantastic, because I don't think I've felt much of that in my adult life so far. But the "mood swings" between the two mindsets have wreaked havoc on my body. Happy body to angry body, especially back and forth equals no bueno. One day I'm content and totally sure of what I'm doing with my life, and the next I'm like, "well, I'm here. Let's see how this goes I guess." But every time I question myself to see if I would've done anything differently, the answer is a firm no. So why the stress and uncertainty?
Well, I'm a musician, for one -- that line of work is about as firm as quicksand. No need to elaborate on that one.
Debt doesn't help either. The minute I think I've got it on a path to being paid off, I go in for an oil change (or some other routine thing in life) and they're like, "That'll be $800 please. Your car is not in as great a shape as you thought it was when you bought it. " Well that's just great. Thanks. (*Grumbles obscenities on the way out*)
One of the biggest contributors is that I have always been TERRIBLE about letting others' negativity affect me. I can be in a great place and one dumb comment from someone will drag me right back down. It's like an extra strength vacuum trying to suck me back in, while I'm clinging onto Will and Mozzie going, "don't let them take me!!!" It's annoying and I hate it. Plus, some people are just really crappy and they need to go away -- like far, FAR away. They can all go live on negativity island somewhere where they will eventually all kill each other with their negative negativeness..............
That got ridiculous. Oh well.
I also haven't been able to workout as regularly as I would like to lately, which generally helps with combatting the negativity -- so I'm definitely feeling the effects of that.
But oh those moments of clarity and peace...........where I don't let the stressors of life and the outside junk get to me...............where I am focused on what's truly important in life (and am truly grateful for it)...........where I don't let the negativity of others bring me back into a darker place.............where I just enjoy my good fortune and the love that is in my life..............and just happily exist. Those moments are incredible. I have found that they are becoming more frequent, and maybe it means I'm getting better at letting go of the negativity. I sure do hope so -- that stuff is toxic.
Maybe the clarity and peace is coming with age and the wisdom to finally realize what's important in life. That money and career aren't everything, and that maybe we should take a harder look at what's right in front of us and stop taking it for granted. That life is too short to dwell on things that don't matter, and that those negative people are just misguided and unhappy with themselves.
I can actually feel some of the negativity starting to float away as I write this. Maybe I needed a little writing therapy. Also, Mozzie is snuggled up to me as I write this, so that helps. Sometimes we just need to recalibrate and refocus. I'm going to go love on my people more.
'Twas the week before Christmas...
’Twas the week before Christmas and 70 degrees
No snowflakes in sight, just a nice coastal breeze
As we planned for our trip to our beloved buckeye state
The weather app told us of snow on our arrival date
We shivered at the thought -- tropical drinks in hand
Snow and ice somehow doesn't sound as fun as sun and sand
Despite the weather, we decided that we would surely go
For it had been too long since we had seen the faces of those we know
So onward to that state up north -- over 1500 miles away
Where first there'll be a celebration for my big brother's birthday
Then onward even further north, to Will's family we go
And a mandatory stop at the Kent bars regardless of snow
There'll be shenanigans and Great Lakes beer and Swensons galore
And the next day Will will insist that we have Swensons once more
A Christmas Eve with beloved family and a white elephant game
Then on to a Christmas Eve party where everybody knows your name
Christmas morning with my family -- nieces and doggies in tow
Despite my aversion to the cold, I hope for them it snows
The day will be filled with games, laughter, love and wonderful meals
And many touching moments that will give me "all the feels"
Then to the great Columbus where my best of friends dwell
For a night of great debauchery with the ones who know me so well
We’ll pick up right where we left off, despite so much being new
And our time together will end too soon, as it always tends to do
My dear Ohio, we miss you so, despite loving where we are
We wish we could move you all down here so you weren’t so very far
But for now we’ll enjoy our time up north with friends and family
For we’ve missed them more than words can say and in our hearts they’ll always be
I'm an "adult," or so I've been told. I do "adult" things, I have an "adult" job, I pay bills, and I drink bourbon and wine. I have great friends and family, an amazing husband, and generally a pretty good life. I have achieved many things, yet so little at the same time. I'm in my 30s, yet I feel more clueless than when I graduated college. This is how I "adult."