I keep telling myself I'm going to take time to write, but this is apparently a lie I've been telling myself over and over again. I went from once a week, to once a month, to quarterly, and this will be one of only three posts I've written this year (and it's almost December — oy vey...).
I had gotten into a pretty good groove for awhile — my "mojo was workin'" and work/life balance was solid. I was exercising regularly, cleaning often, and cooking a lot. I was learning new songs here and then to beef up my gigging repertoire. And most importantly, I was taking the time to take care of myself and enjoy where I live. Then there was the wedding, which ate up a lot of my time. It was a beautiful wedding and everything was even more amazing than we had even planned or imagined, but the stress leading up....oh girl...Anyhow, it's been almost 5 months since Will and I tied the knot, so why do I still feel like I'm so freakin' busy all the time and never have time for anything?
Well, the reason I keep telling myself is that I honestly just don't have the time. To be fair, I am a pretty busy lady these days. I work full-time (sometimes overtime), I gig at least twice a week (sometimes I fill in for other people), and there's just a lot going on right now in general. But despite all that, I shouldn't be completely ignoring what I need, which is all the stuff I mentioned before.
On a good week I'll exercise 2-3 times, but it's rarely a "good week" and I really should be exercising more like 4-5 times a week anyway. I'll cook a few meals, but then I'll come home after a particularly frustrating day and just say "screw it." I have this running list of songs that I've been wanting to learn and I just keep putting it off, so consequently I'm getting bored with my repertoire. And granted, it's been uncharacteristically cold for my little island lately, but I can't remember the last time I ran on the beach or enjoyed the pool that's literally right outside my back door. I've become lame and old, and I keep making excuses not to do the things I know for a fact will make me feel better. My mojo needs a kick in the butt...
Part of my problem is relinquishing control...My husband is not a "domestic," per se, but he's always willing to help out around the house — he just needs a list of what needs done. "Honey dos," if you will. But for a long time he was way busier than me, so I was the one cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. Plus, I'm fairly OCD when it comes to things like that, so I want them done a certain way and at a certain time. It's not uncommon for me to rip around the house like a tornado of cleaning psychosis, which scares the sh*t out of Will. He always tries to get me to calm down and I'm all like, "CAN'T STOP!!! MUST CLEAN FAST AND MUST CLEAN NOW!!!" Now I'm the busier one and things have shifted. Not that he's not busy — don't get me wrong. Fall is incredibly busy for him because it's marching season, but that's over now and he's all like, "Hey...ummmm...I can help if you'll just let me..."
I hate to admit it, but it's hard for me to let those things go, even though I know I would have more free time if I just let him do it. I think that makes me a little crazy...I mean, I'm going to let it go, your know, for sanity reasons and stuff...but it's still hard. I've always been so domestic and now I barely have time for those things — it's really weird. He did the grocery shopping for the first time this week (and again, not for lack of trying, I just never let him do it until now...because I'm that OCD), and I caught myself "checking his work" and seeing if he got what we needed. He did — I'm just crazy and controlling, apparently. I felt so bad when I realized what I was doing. He's such a good boy!!!
As far as work, I just need to take more ownership of my time instead of letting others pull me into stuff that's really not my problem. Not that I don't want to be a team player, but there's a difference between me helping someone out and me doing their job for them. I need to take back my lunch hour and squeeze in mid-day workouts like I used to. That way if I am exhausted by the time the day is over, I can go home and relax instead of feeling guilty that I didn't work out.
There's also been a lot of sadness lately. Two people who have been incredibly important in my life have passed away and I'm having trouble processing it. I've been insanely lucky not having to really deal with death up until now. I'm 30 years old and I just now am experiencing it in a real way. You're never really ready, are you? This has created a dark cloud that looms over everything I do, which makes me want to curl up in a ball with a glass of anything alcoholic and just shut out everything else. I've never been like that, so it's a weird feeling. I guess it's part of the grieving process...figuring out how to deal with your shi*t and ultimately letting go of the things you can't control.
So I guess the bottom line is that I need to let go of some things, especially the things I can't control, but also the little things that others are willing to help me with if I'll just let them. And I need to cook more, learn new music, and write more, because it makes me happy dammit! Time for [Jamie] to get her groove back! Plus, I'm a good cook — Will is a very lucky man. I'm pretty lucky too...he's really one of the only reasons I haven't completely lost my mind. I'm really glad I have him to adult with.
I'm an "adult," or so I've been told. I do "adult" things, I have an "adult" job, I pay bills, and I drink bourbon and wine. I have great friends and family, an amazing husband, and generally a pretty good life. I have achieved many things, yet so little at the same time. I'm in my 30s, yet I feel more clueless than when I graduated college. This is how I "adult."