What do you want to be when you grow up?

That's a loaded question. I still don't know the answer to that one, and supposedly I'm a grown up. When we're kids, the answers are relatively easy. We want to be astronauts, movie stars, fire fighters, dancers, doctors, etc. Why? Because at the time it sounds cool, or we look up to someone who does one of those things, or because we can't come up with anything else -- the answers come flying out of our mouths like word vomit. ​We've also been taught that we can be anything and do anything we put our minds to. This is a nice sentiment, but it is undoubtedly false.

"I WANNA BE AN AIRPLANE!!!!"
That's great Timmy, you'll make a fine airplane.

Don't lie to Timmy!!! That's just mean. Not that we shouldn't believe in ourselves, but a realistic outlook on life is healthy. You can chase that dream of being an airplane all you want, but eventually reality will set in and you will be sorely disappointed. And likely locked away in a padded room. 


Let's step away from the absurd for a moment and go back in time, shall we? If I could have a conversation with myself at various stages in my life about my career path, it would likely go something like this:
​
Me (Present Day): "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
7-year-old Jamie: "I want to be a detective!"
Me: "Really? Why do you want to be a detective?"
7-year-old Jamie: "Because I read a few detective books with cool pictures in the library, and it looks like fun!"
Me: (*Pats 7-year-old Jamie on the head*) "That's real cute."
7-year-old Jamie: "I have a trench coat and a hat!"
Me: "Of course you do...................(*says under breath*) nerd........."

Really dumb, but I was 7. That answer was acceptable at that moment in time. My trench coat was awesome, by the way.


Me (Present Day): "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
8-year-old Jamie: "I want to be a doctor!"
Me: "Are you sure about that?"
8-year-old Jamie: "Ummmmmm..........I change my mind. I want to be a movie star!"
Me: (*Face palm*) "Well that didn't last long.............."

Okay.........starting to fall into the artistic trap..............it was only a matter of time.


Me (Present Day): "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
12-year-old Jamie: "I want to be on Broadway!"
Me: "But you don't have the right kind of voice for that and you have no formal dance training."
12-year-old Jamie: "You don't know what you're talking about! My music teacher says that I'm going to be a star!"
Me: (*Rolls eyes and walks away*)

Family full of doctors and I choose the career of a starving artist. And not even a career I was capable of pursuing. SO special.


Me (Present Day): "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
17-year-old Jamie: "I still want to be on Broadway!"
Me: "Look......we've been over this. You don't have the right kind of voice for that and you have no formal dance training. Plus, this is an incredibly difficult life to lead. Do you really want to audition for the rest of your life? You hate auditions!"
17-year-old Jamie: "But I love Broadway. I have to at least try. I'll look like a failure if I don't at least try to make it."
Me: (*Sigh*) "This will not end well............."

What the literal eff was I thinking? I would really like to slap 17-year-old Jamie. Hard.


Me (Present Day): "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
20-year-old Jamie: "I've decided that jazz is really where my passion and talents lie, but I know that it will be difficult to make a living solely on music. So I'm going into the business side of things for stability, but will still write and perform since it's my passion."
Me: "That seems like a much better plan than your hairbrained Broadway idea. I have to ask though...........when you say you are 'going into the business side of things,' what exactly do you mean? Any particular area of business?"
20-year-old Jamie: "Ummmm.............well............you know...........music business. Like probably artist management or working for a record company."
Me: "You may want to narrow that down a bit, but okay. Also, you know that artist management is sort of like glorified babysitting, and record companies are dying, right?"
20-year-old Jamie: (*Stares blankly*)
Me: "Nevermind..............do me a favor though.............you know those things you really don't want to do? Things like teaching? You are not allowed to say out loud that you will never do those things. It will come back to bite you in the ass..........hard................just trust me."

I remember hearing people say things like "never say never" when I was growing up, but I guess I never took them seriously. You don't tempt fate like that. I've learned that the hard way. Woof. 


Me (Present Day): "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
22-year-old Jamie: "Dude. Eff if I know. I'm just trying to find a job that doesn't involve waiting tables."
(I definitely ended up waiting tables for awhile, by the way.)
Me: "Did you remember that thing I told you.......about not saying out loud that you will never do something? Please tell me you didn't screw that up............"
22-year-old Jamie: "I may or may not have said some things................why?"
Me: "Dammit Jamie!!! The one thing I told you NOT to do."


Things I said I'd never do (out loud):

1. Work at a church. I have a bit of a rough history with this. Karma is a big ol' b*tch, because my very first job out of college was working at a church as a band leader. I actually ended up working at two churches. I was being smited. 

          (Smited? Smote? Smitten? No, that's not it...............sh*t...........whatever............)

1. Teach. I just never saw myself in this role. I didn't want to do it, and no matter what my financial situation was, I was determined to not go into this line of work. I taught private music lessons for over 2 years. 
2. Go to grad school. I didn't need it. There was no reason for me to go. Why waste the time and the money on a useless degree? I hit a wall near the end of 2012, and what did I do? I decided to pursue an MBA. 
3. Live in the south. Karma was really mean to me on this one...............the MBA program I ended up in was located in Nashville. I'm glad I ended up getting my MBA, and I liked my school, but I truly did not like being in that area at all. It just didn't fit me. Now I didn't live directly in Nashville, which was touristy as hell, but I was just outside of it. My particular area was a quirky mix of seemingly conflicting southern cultures -- houses with proudly displayed Confederate flags, competing Ranchera music blared almost nightly, and a racist ice cream man. (I kid you not, the ice cream man would switch from the standard playlist to La Cucaracha once he hit the neighborhood. Messed. Up.) Oh, and let's not forget the "stabby shooty" bar that was right down the street. This place had been in the news multiple times for various types of murders. 

So what have I become as a "grown up?" I'm a musician who is also an amalgamation of every single damn thing I said I'd never do. The place I work now...............I wrote a screw you letter to them about 6 years ago and swore I'd never step foot on the premises again. Jamie you idiot!!!!!!!

But here's the thing.............even though my life has not been what I thought it would be so far, it's been what I need. Out of every single thing I said I'd never do I have learned incredibly valuable lessons, had amazing experiences, and met wonderful people. Life has a funny way of giving you what you need, even if it's not wrapped up in the package you expected. The trick is learning how to make the most of what you're given. But I can almost guarantee that you will not grow up to be an airplane...................just sayin'.

What do you do with a BA in music?
You don't have the patience to teach.
Arts administration was sweeping the nation 
Until we wrecked our economy.
If you're not the smartest you'll be a starving artist.
I hope that you like waiting tables.
                                                  -- Me (circa 2010) -- Parody of a song from Avenue Q

As part of my senior recital back in 2010, I decided to create a parody linking 10+ songs together, poking fun at my major and my college experience as a whole. It was meant to be a playful string of inside jokes and oddities from my alma mater, but was honestly mostly a giant middle finger. Choosing to be a music major, and especially a music major at that particular school, was hands down the absolute dumbest decision I have ever made. 

Some of you reading this are probably thinking something along the lines of:
"But Jamie, you love music. It's your passion. You have such a beautiful voice. You're so talented. You went into music because you love it. You should do what you love. Go on American Idol. I know you'd make it big if you just took a chance. Herpy derpy derp derp derp." 
That's what you sound like. Simply put.......herp derp. (Before you decide that you hate me and that I'm a terrible person, read on. Well, I am kind of a terrible person, but read on regardless.)

I realize that escalated into offensive real quick like there at the end, but hear me out:
As much I appreciate every single person who has ever said those types of things to me, and I know it's coming from a genuine and lovely place, you can't understand why going into music is dumb unless you have personally done it. Don't get me wrong, music is my passion. Life would be really freaking boring without it. But going into music is about as smart as a naked man walking through a room full of cats who have not been declawed. Let that image sink in for a minute............
So now that I've offended some people by saying that when they speak, it sounds like "herp derp," let me explain. You don't ACTUALLY sound like that. That's mean. I'm a terrible human being. You're so pretty. (*pets your head*)

Music is just a really difficult career path. You spend years training, wrack up all kinds of student loan and credit card debt getting an education, and are sent out into the world with absolutely zero chance of "making it big." You're constantly undervalued and told "you should do it for free because you love it." 

Now stop. Right. There.

Who on earth wants to do their job for free???!!! Unless someone is going to hand me a suitcase full of money at some point in the near future, there is no way in hell I will perform for free. Do you want to work your 9-5 for free? The time worked for a gigging musician is not just the actual gig itself. So you may see a musician setup a half hour before the gig (after schlepping their own equipment in the snow), play the three hour gig, tear down (schlep the equipment in the snow again), and that's their "time worked." Wrong. I have spent HOURS prepping for gigs. I'm not a human juke box. I actually have to select material, make charts for myself so I don't have to spend hundreds of dollars on sheet music (what exists usually sucks anyway), learn the damn tunes, rehearse them until I sound like I know what I'm doing, and THEN go play the gig. Only then does someone hand me a suitcase full of money. Except the suitcase is full of monopoly money. And they don't even let me keep the suitcase. Now I have no place to sleep. Thanks a-hole. 

Most musicians piece together a stupid amount of part-time things to make a living, and are still considered to be right around the poverty line. (Hence drinking Old Crow on a regular basis -- ouch) Before I decided to get my MBA and get a "big girl job," I was teaching a ton of piano and voice lessons, running a church band, gigging with two bands, transcribing for a jazz organist, and waiting tables. Let's not forget the swell times I had waiting tables and relying on cheap oxygen thieves to help me keep my lights on. I'm not bitter.

The biggest irony of it all is that I wouldn't change any of it if I could. If I had pursued a different path that chewed me up and spit me out right into a 9-5 after college, I would probably be in a psych ward by now. Being a musician really sucks sometimes, but I honestly don't know any other way to live my life. And I don't want to. I am however completely fine with serving as a cautionary tale to future music majors......"Don't let this happen to you! Run! Get an education and training in a field that will actually pay you money!" But it's so true what they say: "You do it because you love it." But if you don't love it enough to bleed for it, get the eff out while you still can. I happen to love it that much. So I will continue to bleed for it.

And even though I openly mocked you earlier with the "herp derp" stuff, please don't stop saying those things to me. Except the American Idol thing. That's dumb. Please stop that. But the other stuff.......it helps to remind me that I not only stick with music because I love it, but also because I know that it brings joy to other people. And that's pretty cool. But if you book me and try to hand me monopoly money, I will cut you. (*Drops mic*)

I'm 27. I'm not old, I'm not incredibly young.......okay I'm kind of young........and I am as lost as ever. I have a BA in music (go ahead, judge -- I judge me) and an MBA, my 9-5 is working as a grants coordinator, and I'm a musician. Some days I feel accomplished and other days I feel like I'm wasting oxygen. Regardless, I'm an "adult," or so I've been told. 

The term "adulting" has been thrown around for quite some time now. I found it entertaining when I first heard "adult" being used as a verb. It's definitely become a staple word in my everyday vernacular. But the more I think about "adulting," the more I realize that I am 27 and still don't feel like a true adult. 

According to Urban Dictionary, I am indeed an adult:
Adulting (v): to do grown up things and hold responsibilities such as, a 9-5 job, a mortgage/rent, a car payment, or anything else that makes one think of grown ups.

According to Mirriam-Webster:
Adult (a):
- fully grown and developed
- mature and sensible : not childish

I suppose I'm "fully grown and developed," and I would like to think I'm a fairly sensible person, and have actually always been considered mature by most. But you get to that part of the Mirriam-Webster definition that says "not childish" and I know that that is undoubtedly false about myself. I am incredibly childish, which I know sort of contradicts my claim to be mature, but I feel these things can be separate. I can certainly compose myself in a mature way in the majority of situations. However.........the word "butt" somehow became freaking hilarious to me again, in my late twenties, when that ship had initially sailed sometime in elementary. Maybe the reality is that I was mature for my age in high school, and have regressed since then. This is highly likely. I'll own it. 

Booping? Also hilarious. Not a day goes by where I don't boop my boyfriend. Judge me all you want, but try booping someone on the nose and actually saying in a high pitched voice, "boop," and try not to laugh. 

Alcohol is technically a form of "adulting," since you are supposed to be 21 in order to consume it. But I suppose it's also the opposite of being an adult when you don't drink responsibly. I have done my fair share of partying, and probably somebody else's as well. I'd be lying if I said I don't party anymore, but I don't party as often and I drink higher quality stuff......generally. That alone makes me more of an adult, right? I am economical, so I rock the Old Crow and diet root beer more often than I'd care to admit, but when I can afford it I immediately reach for Jameson and good bourbon. Why? Because I'm an adult, dammit. 

I'm going to make myself sound like a complete lush here.........but when you work a 9-5 in a field that you never expected to end up in (at a place you swore you'd never step foot in again), you're considered to be highly educated but make less money than most people who stopped after high school, everyone around you is married and/or having babies, and you want to decompress..........whether it's a Tuesday or a Saturday, hand me the Jameson, Bulleit, Knob Creek, cabernet, or hell, even Old Crow. At least I have good friends and an awesome boyfriend to share it with me. This is adulting.